"Driving home from a shopping trip, I kept my five-year-old son occupied in the car by letting him count the money I was carrying in my wallet. He had no trouble at all adding up my ones, fives tens and 20s. But then he got to my credit card, and his counting came to a halt. Puzzled, he thought for a moment and then said, 'Infinity.'" ~Contributed by Betty J. Steele

"Anyone with money to burn will always find himself surrounded by people with matches." ~CB Joe Ryan

"The difference between America and England is that Americans think 100 years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way." ~CB Earle Hitchner

"Carving a turkey is like parallel parking: you can do it perfectly unless you have to do it in front of someone." ~Roger Simon in Los Angeles Times

"One evening during dinner, I began choking on some food. 'Are you all right?' my husband asked. Just then, the food dislodged itself and I nodded my head.
"'Good,' my husband said. 'For a minute I was afraid that I'd have to give you the hemlock maneuver.'" ~CB Pat Lieuallen

"My husband and I were in the woods searching for some hard-to-find wild blackberries when I fell over some logs. In quite a bit of pain, I yelled for my husband, who rushed right over. With a look of grave concern, he asked, 'Did you spill your berries?'" ~CB Georgia Davis

"Struggling to manage parenthood and a full-time job, my wife finally reached her breaking point. 'Sweetie,' I consoled her, 'you're a great mom, a great wife and a great teacher. You can't expect to be to be great at all three all the time.'
"I was proud of how understanding I'd been until she replied, 'Okay, I won't be a great wife.'" ~CB Tram Kincaid

"I was waiting outside the men's dressing room, where my husband was trying on some shirts, when I overheard a couple arguing about sizes.
"'These pants you picked out are big enough for an elephant,' the man complained to his wife, but he took the slacks into the dressing room anyway.
"A little later he emerged looking sheepish and said, 'Got any peanuts?'" ~CB Mary Ellen Sterling

"My husband's friend had gotten married and had sent the wedding photo to the local newspaper. When the announcement appeared, the man saw that their names were printed under the picture of a different bridal couple. 'I have good news and bad news,' the fellow said when he told his bride of the mix-up. 'The good news is that I have hair. The bad news is that you're ugly.'" ~CB Erin Ryal

"Sometimes callers to the Smithsonian Institution have unusual queries. Here are some of the zaniest: -Does the Smithsonian display any Civil War planes?
-Is the Smithsonian interested in buying the carcass of Bigfoot?
-There's a mastodon in my back yard. Can you send someone to dig it up?
-Where do you keep the flying saucers you've captured?
-What's the name of the guy who invented the wheel?
-Would you be interested in displaying my collection of potato chips resembling famous people and animals?"
~Laura Myers, AP

"A California attorney wasn't aware that his valuable golf clubs had been stolen out of the trunk of his parked car until San Francisco police called to say they had the clubs and the thief. It seems that plainclothes officer Bob Bohannan noticed a tough-looking young man trying to hawk golf clubs one at a time on the street.
"'You a golfer?' Bohannan asked. When the young man nodded, Bohannan pointed to a club and said 'I've always wondered about that one. Is it a driver or a passenger?'
"'Uh,' the punk hesitated, 'passenger.'" ~Herb Caen in San Francisco Chronicle

Wife to husband, about teen-age daughter: "Good news! She only wants to pierce her ears." ~Hoest & Reiner in Parade

Goldilocks, accompanied by man in suit, to three bears: "You guys are in big trouble. This is my lawyer - I burned my mouth on your porridge." ~Schwadron in The Wall Street Journal

Annoyed wife to husband: "No, I don't think our marriage would benefit from a mission statement." ~Mankoff in The New Yorker

Analyst to patient's wife: "Don't worry, ma'am. We'll do everything for him that psychobabble can do." ~Baloo in The Wall Street Journal

Executive behind desk to prospective employee: "It's always cozy in here. We're insulated by layers of bureaucracy." ~Cotham in The New Yorker

"As an airline reservations agent, I often speak to people who tell amazing stories, hoping I'll bend the rules and change their tickets. One day, all the excuses were starting to get to me. Instead of answering the next call with my standard greeting, I blurted out, 'Frequent liar desk, may I help you?'" ~CB Jerry Deitz

"A passenger running late for his flight arrived at the gate just after the airline agent had closed the aircraft door. 'Wait!' he shouted. 'That's my flight!'
"'I'm sorry,' the agent said. 'The airplane has already departed from the gate. You'll have to catch the next flight.'
"Irate, the customer pointed to his watch and exclaimed, 'That flight is scheduled to depart at 3:05 p.m. and my watch says it's only 3:04!'
"'I'm sorry, sir,' the agent replied apologetically, 'but since you weren't here, I had to use my own watch.'" ~CB Sheri A. Schwagart

"Sal, a pilot for a major airline, carries his running clothes in a backpack, freeing his hands for luggage. On one trip, he told me, the noticed passers-by grinning at him in the terminal. Sal smiled back. 'Maybe some of them were on my last flight,' he thought.
"His ego was brimming until he got to the cockpit and stowed his bags. That's when he saw the 'Parachute' sign his co-workers had stuck to his backpack." ~J. Gary Kuntz in Catholic Digest

"My cousin took a flight on a new budget airline. No snacks were served, but drinks were offered. He heard one man request tea.
"'What kind?' the flight attendant asked.
"'Chamomile,' he responded, pleased at having a choice.
"'No, sir,' she said. 'I meant, hot or cold?'" ~CB Rita K. McIntosh

In Michigan City, Ind., News-Dispatch: "Drive-by shoeing: Man reported he was mowing grass when an unknown woman passenger threw a high-heeled shoe at him from a moving Bronco and struck him on the head."

"'Leonard,' my wife said to me as I was puffing on my pipe, 'you smoke like a fish.'
"I fell in love with Lore because she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Little did I realize when we were married that in addition to being a wonderful wife and mother, she would turn out to be a gold mine of malapropisms.
"Lore grew up in Germany and didn't start speaking English until she came to the United States when she was 15. As even native speakers do, she will sometimes get a word wrong, or simply misspeak. Of Michael Deaver, once an aide to former President Reagan, she recalled, 'He was the major domino in the White House.'
"Lore also can match anybody in the mixed-metaphor department. A certain politician, for example, is a 'clean arrow.' Another is 'a nut off the wall.' Then there was the morning she told me that I'd been snoring. 'You were really shaking the wood,' she said.
"She knows any number of American proverbs and expressions, but sometimes they come out in unfamiliar ways. One year we were wondering if we could afford to go to Europe. She thought that we might as well go, reflecting, 'Well, you only go around the block once.' To someone's witticism at a dinner party, Lore exclaimed, 'Give that man a banana!' I think she meant cigar.
"She's also not entirely fluent in the language of gestures, which may be just as well. Once while driving, I was cut off by a speeding car. To let the driver know what I thought, I honked my horn. Lore, uncharacteristically, replied to him with her own finger. Except that it was her thumb. Thumbs up. I'd like to go around the block with her again." ~Leonard Boasberg in Chicago Tribune Magazine

"When I was presiding judge of the Third Judicial Circuit Court of South Dakota, my administrative assistant accompanied me on occasional trips throughout the circuit. One time, I was buckling myself into the passenger side of her new car when I asked, 'Does this car have an air bag in my side?'
"She smiled and said, 'It does now.'" ~CB Dale E. Bradshaw

"After 24 hours of a complicated labor, our first baby was born. The next day my husband told a neighbor that he was tired after such a long day. 'You? What about your wife?' the woman asked. 'I bet she's exhausted!'
"'Yes,' he agreed, 'but she got to lie down the whole time.'" ~CB Stephanie Shelly

"Need to look busier? Make sure your office appears swamped at all times. Your desk should always look like you're in the midst of some incredibly time-sensitive project. This way you can safely maximize the time you spend away from your office, goofing off.
"For added protection, make sure the papers on your desk are arranged in stacks. Merely scattering them about will not do - this suggests disorganization. A calculator, a few stray apples and a strategically placed pair of eyeglasses will round out the organized-chaos effect.
"Finally, some work on your computer screen and a carefully placed sandwich remnant, preferably in a wrapper, will do much to enhance your office's overall ambiance. Not only do you appear to eat lunch at your desk, but you also seem too busy to finish it or even remember to throw it away. Be sure to replace it with a new, freshly chewed sandwich every few days, though, or folks - and insects - may start to catch on." ~Brian Harris and Rich Herschlag, Lay Low and Don't Make the Big Mistake (Simon & Schuster)

"A letter from Alison Schuler of Albuquerque, N.M., reads: 'On the eve of a business trip, my husband announced to me that he was out of underwear. Why he told me, I do not know. I never tell him when I'm out of underwear. Anyway, he decided to remedy the situation in true guy fashion - by washing exactly three sets of underwear, disregarding the bulging hamper full of the rest of his underwear, which, presumably, would wash itself during his absence.'
"This letter serves as a reminder of the importance of not engaging in sexist stereotyping. Just because Alison Schuler's husband doesn't do the laundry doesn't mean that there aren't millions of males who do do the laundry, then hang it out under the three suns of the Planet Xoomar, where they live.
"Males on Earth, however, do not do any more laundry than they absolutely have to. For a guy, a single-sock load would not be out of the question.
"I developed my laundering skills in college, where I used what most laundry scientists call the Pile System, wherein you put your dirty undershorts on the floor until they form a waist-high pile. This subjects the bottom shorts to intense heat and pressure that cause them to become, over a period of several months, clean enough to wear if you spray them with deodorant.
"Most married men use the Hamper System, which is similar to the Pile System except that the clothes really do get clean, thanks to people such as Alison Schuler following a complex procedure involving sorting, presoaking, 27 different combinations of water temperatures, and various chemical compounds: fabric softener, stain remover, fabric hardener, cream rinse, plutonium, etc. The vast majority of American women are reluctant to let their husbands do the laundry because they assume we'll screw it up and wash our delicate silks in the same load as our boat cover.
"I'm not defending men here - it's just that a lot of us view ourselves as laundry-impaired. But we are willing to learn - really - just as soon as the playoffs are over." ~Dave Barry in Tropic

"As the mother of two young hockey goalies, I feel as though I live at the rink. Checking the schedule one week, I realized that both of the boys had games on Saturday - one at 7 a.m., the other at 11 a.m. That morning I woke at 5:30, got my older son out of bed, threw his equipment into the car and drove him to the ice rink. In the locker room, however, the coach looked at us strangely. 'Where's Jonathan?' he asked.
"I had the right rink, the right time - but the wrong son." ~CB Sandra Katz

"Pulling out of a restaurant parking lot, I noticed that the couple in the car ahead of me had left a handbag on top of their car. After quite a bit of honking and light-flashing, I got them to pull over. They thanked me for noticing the purse, then returned the favor - by pointing out that I had left my doggie bag on the roof of my car." ~CB Raghuram Govindarajam

"We wanted to visit all the state and national parks in Colorado, but on the last day of our trip we still had one to go. The guidebook said the park closed at 4 p.m., so we hurried, arriving at the gate at 3:59. 'Can we still get in?' I asked the park attendant.
"'Oh, the park never really closes,' he replied. 'At four o'clock we stop collecting the entrance fee.'" ~CB Renee Kapinus

"Stopping for lunch at a new Italian restaurant in my neighborhood, I ordered salad and a pitcher of iced tea. 'We do not serve iced tea here,' the waiter sniffed. 'It would take away from the authentic Italian atmosphere we are trying to create.'
"He then offered me a choice of Coke or Sprite." ~CB Sondra Dabney

"As a mother of four, I spend a lot of time providing taxi service to soccer games, football practice and dance classes. But I didn't realize just how much time it was until someone asked my three-year-old where he lived. 'In my car seat,' he said." ~CB Connie Redwine

From a grocery insert in the Gainsville, Fla., Sun: "89 cents a pound - Georgia Peaches, California Grown."

The Newton, Iowa, Daily News reports: "First female marines train for combat with men."

An Allentown, Pa., Morning Call police item: "Theft reported - homemade bike made from other bikes stolen from N. 7th Street."

In a Canton, Ohio, Repository story on a hospital dress code: "Long hair must be tied so it will fall forward over the face while working."

Headline seen in the Colorado publication People for the West!: "Denver Chapter will have Senator for breakfast."

Ad seen in the Poughkeepsie, N.Y., Journal: "Four Seasons Contracting - specializing in roofing, siding, roofovers and ripoffs."

From a used-car dealer's ad in The Arizona Republic: "1985 Mercedes-Benz, one of a kind, two in stock."

Headline in Centerville, Ohio, Times: "Jury hung after trial."

In the Camdenton, Mo., Lake Sun Leader: "Wanted to Rent - place in the country where I can run loose and my dogs can put in a garden."

From a Memphis, Tenn., parking ticket: "Failure to respond may result in immobilization or impoundment of the vehicle. Execution will follow."

Title on the last page of Estée Lauder's autobiography: "About the Author."

TALES OUT OF SCHOOL

"During our computer class, the teacher chastised one boy for talking to the girl sitting next to him. 'I was just asking her a question,' the boy said.
"'If you have a question, ask me,' the teacher tersely replied.
"'Okay,' he answered. 'Do you want to go out with me Friday night?'" ~CB Tracy Maxwell

"For his senior portrait, my friend's son, Jason, chose to pose in front of his beloved car, an old blue Volkswagen Bug. After the session, the photographer explained that he could touch up the photos to remove facial blemishes, freckles or even his braces. 'That's great!' Jason said after thinking for a moment. 'Could you touch up my car too?'" ~CB Christy Rutherford

"In my entire teaching career, the best excuse I ever received from a student came from a seventh grader who had earned $10,000 the year before, building computers from old parts and serving as a software consultant to small businesses. The morning of a big test, he rushed in and announced that he wasn't prepared to take the exam. 'I was up all night going through my tax files,' he explained. 'I'm being audited by the IRS!'" ~CB Page Shepherd

"While she teaches us new words, our French teacher at my Nashville school often speaks only in French and uses hand gestures. One time, our befuddled class could not understand what she was trying to communicate, and several of us looked confused. Exasperated, she broke into English. 'You act like I'm speaking a foreign language!'" ~CB Yuan Tao

"As a rookie on our high-school varsity football team, I didn't get much playing time. So I was surprised to see a newspaper report that I was making a dozen tackles per game. When I later looked at the team roster in the game program, I discovered that my uniform number had been mixed up with that of a senior defensive lineman. Feeling a little bad for taking his credit, I apologized to the upperclassman.
"'No problem," he said. 'But as long as you're me, would you mind doing my biology homework?'" ~CB Patrick Pugh

"On 'Parent Exchange Day' at my son's high school, I took his place in all his classes. During computer lab I tried to log on, but the password he had given me didn't work. The teacher then allowed me to change the password. Now every time he goes online at school, he has to type 'ilovemom.'" ~CB Madonna Rothwell

"While I waited in our high-school health office, I overheard another student explain to the nurse how badly his eyes hurt. 'My head is spinning,' he moaned, 'and I can't see straight.' After listening to his ailments for ten minutes, even the often-skeptical nurse was convinced. 'I am calling your mother to come pick you up,' she said, dialing the telephone.
"'Oh, that won't be necessary,' the student instantly replied. 'I can drive myself home.'" ~CB LeeAnne Bateman

"In algebra class we were doing a problem involving the admission of students to a school. The answer turned out to be 2242.47. 'I'd sure hate to meet that .47 kid in the hall,' our teacher quipped.
"'Yeah,' a boy called out, 'he's my half brother!'" ~CB Shaun Jamieson

"When our history teacher announced a pop quiz, one boy raised his hand to protest. 'I've been absent for two days,' he said. 'I don't have to take the quiz, do I?'
"'You all receive your reading assignments a week in advance,' the instructor retorted. 'Being absent is no excuse.'
"After we all finished the test, we were given the rest of the period to read quietly while it was being corrected. Moments later the teacher exclaimed to the student, 'Young man, you got a perfect score on your quiz! Why did you want to be excused from taking it?'
"'Well, sir,' he answered, 'it was the principle of the thing.'" ~CB Stephanie Foland

"On a demographics survey given at our high school, students were asked, 'What disadvantages do you see in having children?'
"Usually the answers included 'It's expensive to raise kids' and 'They take up a lot of your time.' But one boy was not worried about money or responsibility. He wrote, 'If I have children, I might have to drive a minivan.'" ~CB Cherith Diemert

"My high school daughter loved biology, particularly dissection. When I suggested that she consider becoming a doctor, she surprised me by announcing, 'I want to be a coroner.'
"'Why would you choose that?' I asked.
"'Well,' she replied, 'I want to operate on people, but I don't want their lives to depend on it.'" ~CB Sheila Cominsky